Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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