I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
