I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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