My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
