quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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