You really coming over, don't trick.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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