I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
