So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
