his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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