Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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