70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
