seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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