Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize