I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
