i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
