Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
