Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
