You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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