I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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