I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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