I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize