Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
