So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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