I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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