proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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