she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
