my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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