Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
