If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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