Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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