Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
