I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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