I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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