My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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