nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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