My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
