That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
