that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
