WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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