Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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