gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
