It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
