That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
