I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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