You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
either way he was missing a nipple.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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