Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize