I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
