totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
