no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
