who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
