Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
