I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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