if i can run in heels then i can drive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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