Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
