Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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