I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
