look no pants
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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