It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
