Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
