don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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