i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
