I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
