Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
