At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
