I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
