Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize