The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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