My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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