Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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