i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
